Retard News » Celebrity Retards

Sixteen year old Mrs. Cam Newton

Michael — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:10:23 +0000

Indians get the subjective and sometimes rude term of Indian-giver thrown around, Retard News has been doing some in-depth research in order to cover this story correctly, so here goes… Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton gave a record-breaking football to Mrs. Cam Newton (according to her self-made t-shirt) which was followed and retrieved by the team.

When Cam Newton broke the single season quarterback touchdown record by rushing for his 13th touchdown, he crossed the end zone line and rushed to the stands, handing the ball to a 16-year-old fan who was wearing a t-shirt she had created the previous night with the words “Mrs. Newton” on the back. This of course made the family happy (finally they could marry their daughter off to an income producing family). When the ball was requested back, the girl gladly complied.

Why?

Indian givers? Are the Carolina Panthers really the kind of team that will take something and not give it back? Perhaps. There was a trade negotiated and carried about by the Panthers, giving the previous-record-ball-holder a replacement ball, some hats, licorice, used bags of peanuts, some extra programs, and the promise to allow her to name a future top-5 selection.

Not really, you need to read for the truth about Mrs. Cam Newton ball returned.

Cancer caused by celebrities

Michael — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 18:34:54 +0000

This is not possible… Ryan O’Neal is suggesting that he and his offspring could have given Farrah Fawcett cancer. Maybe the New England Medical Journal and other scientific commmunities could get together to discuss this amazing realization. Cancer could be caused by celebrities, does that mean that the cure for cancer is found?

When someone can find the cause of something, like the cause of cancer being stupid celebrities, that means that logically the cure could be to get rid of all celebrities. Is there a negative in this solution?

Of course the sites that live off of the ignorance of the masses would have to stop pandering to the social dregs, but that’s cool.

Let’s kill off cancer!

Charlie Sheen loving Chuck Lorre

Michael — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 18:33:37 +0000

Charlie Sheen is expected to go back to Warner Bros according to anyone that can post news bull crap on the Internet. Yahoo! says it, they even posted something in their trending with WINNING making it back to TV and getting paid like fifty bazillion jillian dollars. Chances of Sheen going back on … Men?

If you read enough news stories, you can view everything from Sheen is already back, this is a big joke, total publicity stunt, Tiger’s Blood, and plain insanity. But whatever you read, you must admit that there is something wrong with Charlie Sheen. He’s the offspring of Keith Richards and Gary Busey with a little Andy Dick thrown in.

Be sure to let me know when Sheen is back on TV, I need to set my DVR!

CBS wants Sheen.

Celebrity chef attacked by ham

Michael — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:07:16 +0000

Celebrity chef Paula Dean was hit with a ham while trying to do a good deed, helping to unload 25,000 pounds of donated meat for an Atlanta food bank. Not wanting to show she’s afraid of the same meat she’s been made famous by cooking, she continued to help unload.

Paula tweeted about the incident, saying that “I haven’t met the ham that could stop me yet!” Obviously this means she’s never had swine flu.

While helping to unload a delivery truck, Paula threw a ham to someone who yelled “Back at ya” and then threw the ham back. The action was meant to be without malice, but being hit by a ham still has the same lasting effect.

Not a good thing: Martha Stewart’s dog barbecued

jerome — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:20:29 +0000

Martha Stewart’s prize chow Ghenghis Khan died in a propane gas explosion and fire at a dog kennel where the pooch was staying.

Kennel worker Timothy Kleinhagen was filling a propane tank at the kennel when there was an accident.

Timothy suffered third degree burns and was able to rescue many of the dogs, he remains in critical condition in a local hospital.

Many are calling Tim a hero, for his rescue attempts, and thirteen of the dogs are still being cared for with burns by nearby vets.

Martha Stewart who had recently adopted the dog in December said on her blog “I am deeply saddened by THIS STORY… My heart goes out to Karen Tracy and I am hoping for a speedy recovery for those (both pets and humans) injured in this terrible event. Here is a tribute to my little Ghenghis Khan who perished in the blaze.”

Stewart’s dog was one of 16 dogs who died in the accident at the high end kennel that was home to many show dogs.

Bill Murray’s bad golfing nearly kills woman standing in her yard

jerome — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 23:43:16 +0000

LUTZ, Florida – Gail DiMaggio was struck in the head by a badly hooked tee shot from actor Bill Murray.

The woman was standing in her yard hoping to get a glimpse of the once famous actor who was at the number 9 hole of the Outback Pro-Am golf event.

“I wasn’t sure I was in bounds or not,” Murray said. “And I saw this NBC golf cart coming at me and he said, ‘I hate to be the one to tell you this but you hit a lady. She’s down on the ground.’ That is, you know, sobering.”

Murray pulled out of the event to see the injured woman who was taken to the hospital who is expected to fully recover.

She was overjoyed when she saw me because she said she had come out to see me and her husband had just said, ‘I hope he hits it over here,’ ” said Murray.

Harry Potter’s bully arrested

jerome — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:36:01 +0000

Camden, England — 19-year-old Jamie Waylett, the actor who plays Vincent Crabbe the school bully in the Harry Potter films was arrested after police found the boy was running a marijuana operation.

The police found ten mature plants, and eight large bags inside the actor’s car (an Audi).

The rotund actor shares a home with his mother, two brothers and a sister.

The plants were growing inside of a large grow room complete with hydropinic lights and next to the young actor’s DJ equipment and Playstation.

Waylett has appeared in all six Potter films and police are investigating the case as a distribution ring.

In 2006 the actor was accused of snorting cocaine at age 16 in a newspaper expose.

The operation could land the actor in jail for up to 14 years in prison.

The SUN

30 years of work destroyed by car crash

Michael — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:21:40 +0000

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Lee Redmond of Salt Lake City sustained serious but non-life-threatening injuries in the accident Tuesday.

Redmond’s nails, which hadn’t been cut since 1979, were broken in the crash. According to the Guinness Web site, her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches.

Salt Lake County Sheriff’s Lt. Don Hutson says Redmond was ejected from an SUV in the crash and taken to the hospital in serious condition.

Redmond has been featured on TV in episodes of “Guinness Book of World Records” and “Ripley’s Believe It or Not.”

Guinness World Records

Rosie O’Donnell’s new TV show cancelled after one episode

jerome — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:21:42 +0000

Rosie O’Donnell’s new primetime NBC show managed only five million viewers and has been dropped by the network.

The variety showed featured celebrities Alanis Morissette, Alec Baldwin, Clay Aiken, Ne-Yo and Liza Minnelli.

Modeled after variety shows like the Carol Burnett Show from the 1970s there were comic skits, singing and dancing.

Rosie posted on her blog over the weekend that because of the low ratings.

The LA Times gave this scathing review to the ill-fated show:

Two words: Dancing food. “Rosie Live” ended with dancing food. There’s nothing else to say, really except perhaps, Liza Minnelli. “Rosie Live” opened with a little song and dance from Liza Minnelli, who rose to the stage, as if from the grave, to sing a duet with O’Donnell, in a luminous white suit, complete with fetching Broadway hat. Liza, we love you, we will always love you, but there is no shame in retirement.

In between we were treated to Harry Connick Jr. in a Santa hat, Conan O’Brien taking a pie in the face, and Jane Krakowski singing about all the free stuff audience members would get. Some of the items were pretty swell, but I’m here to tell you it wasn’t enough. Rosie made jokes about Spanx, Alec Baldwin appeared in a jacket two sizes too small with weird Einstein hair — neither of which were part of a gag. Clay Aiken strolled over from “Spamalot” to participate in the world’s most painfully long gay joke (”What was the other thing we have in common,” Rosie mused, “oh yeah, we’re both Gaaa … briel Byrne fans.”) and Alanis Morissette sang a song referencing the 12 Steps in front of, I kid you not, an endless loop of geese flying through a sunset.

Rosie, Rosie, what on earth were you thinking? Were you thinking camp? Were you thinking this will be big and brassy and so-over-the-top even the dancing cupcakes will be irresistible? For those of us who are, and remain, Rosie fans, who think “The View” will never quite recover from her departure, who think her desire to resurrect the variety show was, and is, a great idea, disappointment does not even begin to describe it.

The normally polite TV Guide review wasn’t any better:

If the TV variety format weren’t already dead, the ghastly ego trip of NBC’s Thanksgiving-eve turkey Rosie Live would surely have killed it. Like the pie Alec Baldwin predictably pushed into Conan O’Brien’s face that fell to the floor without sticking, the entire hour landed with a sickening, sad, ill-conceived thud. It felt like an off night at America’s Got Talent, bookended by wobbly appearances from Liza Minnelli and Gloria Estefan, each forced to perform with the caterwauling host, Rosie O’Donnell.

Network executives who had been planning a return to the variety genre were equally critical.

“There’s a notion that the climate is right for the genre to make a comeback,” emailed one executive at a rival network. “I guess we now know what not to do, thanks to Rosie.”

Read More from HollywoodToday.net

GM Lays off Tiger Woods

jerome — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:14:39 +0000

The lagging economy has even caught up to Tiger Woods, who was laid off by General Motors today.

The nine year advertising veteran’s fourteen major championships apparently weren’t enough for Tiger who still had a year left on his contract.

GM has been making huge cuts across the board and has lost more ethan seven billion dollars last quarter.

Tiger’s endorsement deal was believed to be worth at least $7 million dollars a year.

Woods’ agent Mark Steinberg tried to save face saying it was a mutual decision.

“It was a combination of things,” Steinberg said. “Tiger was looking to gain some more time, and certainly it was an opportunity for GM to reduce its spending with everything going on.”
Automakers are the single largest category of advertisers in U.S. markets and domestic automakers have cut back 18 percent and foreign carmakers have cut 5.4 percent for an overall drop of 11 percent this quarter compared to last year.

Woods only had two logos with Nike and Buick, since 1999.

Steinberg said he would “expect there to be some exposure on the bag” when Woods next plays.
“I’ve got a few ideas, and we’re in the process of working through that,” he said.

But in a conference call with reporters and analysts, GM Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner said the company will “take every action we possibly can” to avoid bankruptcy.

“We’re convinced that the consequences of bankruptcy would be dire,” he said, adding that the company will use every source of funding it can.

“We need to find a way to get through this, and that’s really our focus.”

Michael Ferguson from GMUAW Local 60 said he left a GM employee meeting Friday with more questions than answers.

“The question was brought up about bankruptcy,” said Ferguson. “Who wants to but a car from a company that’s bankrupt.”

The nation’s biggest domestic automaker reported a net loss of $4.45 per share during the quarter, compared with a record-setting loss of $39 billion, or $68.85 per share, a year ago. Its adjusted loss was $4.2 billion, or $7.35 a share, with an adjusted loss of $2.8 billion for its automotive operations.

Revenue fell to $37.9 billion from $43.7 billion, due largely to credit freezing across the globe.

GM said it had $16.2 billion in cash, marketable securities and readily available assets at the end of September, down $4.8 billion from the $21 billion it reported on June 30.

GM has said in the past it needs a minimum of $11 billion to $14 billion to run the company.

GM officials said in the conference call that it intended to cut a total of 7,000 white-collar jobs this year, up from 5,100 announced in July. GM had 32,000 U.S. salaried workers at the end of last year, down from 44,000 in 2000.