Retard News » Everyday Retards

GNO = Guy’s Night Out

Michael — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:18:00 +0000

A guy’s night out can include many things, in the case of an Indianapolis man that meant a strip club. To his 5-year-old son, that meant watching cartoons. Everything sounds acceptable, unless the man leaves his son in the cab of his semi-truck in order to make it happen.

The 39-year-old man was arrested at 1:15am on Tuesday, charged with child neglect and public intoxication.

There wouldn’t have been any problems if the drunk man didn’t call the police reporting his truck stolen. The truck wasn’t stolen, it was actually parked in the parking lot but the man was too drunk to find the truck.

When police opened the truck they found the son watching cartoons.

The mom/wife of the guys came to the rescue and bailed out the man while picking up the son.

Trick or treat using jellyfish

Michael — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:44:13 +0000

Keith Edward Marriott is a 41-year-old man who likes to play tricks on people. In this latest round of trying to self-entertain himself he pretended to drown. When someone would give attention to him he would stop the fake drowning and fling jellyfish.

According to the Madeira Beach, Florida sheriff’s office, beachgoers were concerned for the safety of Keith until they were pelted with sea creatures.

Marriott was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon. The weapon wasn’t a sea urchin, but was a pocketknife.

Being held on $250 bond is enough to keep the drunk jellyfish thrower out of jail.

Source : St. Petersburg Times

Man shoots cannon at neighbor

Michael — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 22:06:54 +0000

A man in Pennsylvania who recreates firearms from past wars accidentally shot a two-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor’s house. Wlliam Maser is a 54 year old man who lives in Georges Township and has never previously shot cannonballs at any of his neighbors.

State police will charge Maser with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and disorderly conduct.

No one answered the phone Friday at Maser’s home. He told WPXI-TV recreating 19th century cannons is a longtime hobby. He said he will stop shooting cannons on his property, about 35 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

The real hell’s kitchen

Michael — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 21:56:01 +0000

In Tampa, Florida some inmates have found a use for their time beyond just exercising and planning what they will do as their first felonious job when they get out of jail, in this case they are making their own hot sauce. Could the real hell’s kitchen be found in jail?

There are different varieties of the hot cause, including “Original,” “Smoke” and “No Escape”.

The recipes came to life in 2005 and has since been a minor success, selling over $10,000 in total, just $7.00 at a time.

Income generated is used to keep up the greenhouse and buy basic supplies to keep the business going, as everything is grown and processed in the jail.

I wonder if this is typical behavior for minimum-security jails like Hillborough County. Maybe Martha Stewart got her ideas from jail.

Source: St. Petersburg Times

Cookie dough more unhealthy than previously known

Michael — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 20:28:44 +0000

Nestle has recalled Toll House cookie dough due to possible E. coli that has sickened 66 people in 28 different states. According to ABC News, many of the afflicted people reportedly had eaten some of the cookie dough within a period of time surrounding their illness.

Nestle has made a public statement that there has been no conclusive evidence of E. coli being found in any of their tested product.

Though many people enjoy the taste of raw cookie dough, and in some cases prefer it to the actual cooked cookie dough, Nestle stated they have warnings on cookie dough labels warning that people shouldn’t eat it raw.

A Nestle facility in Danville has been shut down and is crawling with inspectors.

FDA warns against hand sanitizers

Michael — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:06:39 +0000

Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory Inc. of Roy, Utah, issued a voluntary recall of some skin sanitizers and skin protectants marketed under several different brand names, the FDA said in a statement.

Examples of products that should be discarded include Citrushield Lotion, Dermasentials DermaBarrier, Dermassentials by Clarcon, Antimicrobial Hand Sanitizer, Iron Fist Barrier Hand Treatment, Skin Shield Restaurant, Skin Shield Industrial, Skin Shield Beauty Salon Lotion, Total Skin Care Beauty and Total Skin Care Work.

The FDA said its findings, following a recent inspection of the Clarcon facility, are particularly concerning because the products are promoted as antimicrobial agents that claim to treat open wounds and damaged skin and protect against various infectious diseases. The inspection uncovered serious deviations from FDA’s Good Manufacturing Practice requirements, the agency said.

Miami prosecutor arrested for beating pizza delivery woman

jerome — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:03:16 +0000

Miami, FLORIDA — Miami prosecutor David Ranck reportedly got in a shouting match with a pizza delivery woman outside of his that turned violent.

The woman was trying to gain access to delivery a pizza inside the gated development last saturday.

There was some kind of altercation that went from yelling to David Ranck allegedly punching the woman in the arm and knocking her in the head.

Ranck claims the pizza delivery woman hit him with her car prompting the altercation.

He was arrested and released on his on recognizance although he has been suspended without pay as a prosecutor pending resolution of the altercation.

NBC Miami

Teen who auctioned virginity online stands to lose 65% in taxes

jerome — Fri, 22 May 2009 15:21:35 +0000

Tax officials in Germany are set to claim most of a teens earnings after she auctioned her virginity online.

18-year-old Alina Percea a Romanian born computer science major recently sold herself to an Italian businessman for about $14,000 US dollars.

Prostitution is legal in Germany, but unfortunately for Alina the earnings are heavily taxed like everything else in the socialist country.

Because of another 19% in Value Added Taxes she could wind up owing around 65% of her winning bid leaving her with around $4,800 dollars.

The teen spent the day with the 45-year-old man and had unprotected sex with him in a high end hotel in Venice.

She said she enjoyed it but the experience was quite painful — and that was before she found out about the taxes.

Dailymail Article

Fake ape tries to steal fake bananas

Michael — Thu, 21 May 2009 21:53:13 +0000

Because in Wisconsin there’s not enough to do, a man dressed in an ape suit and attempted to steal foam banana displays from the inside of local gas stations. So far the fake ape has only attempted this at two different gas stations in the Fond Du Lac area.

Motives are currently unknown as the police have not yet nabbed the suspect, no further information is available on why someone would choose to dress as an ape to steal fake bananas.

Source : The Reporter

Man accused of armed denture robbery

jerome — Thu, 21 May 2009 21:15:52 +0000

Staten Island, New York — 40-year-old Gennario Sibbio alleges that his former colleague robbed him at gunpoint forcing him to hand over his dentures along with other items.

Joseph Nativo, a 47-year-old contractor is accused of slamming a revolver on a desk and stealing Gennario’s dentures.

Joseph admits taking the dentures but denies he brandished a firearm and claims he was given the false teeth, cell phones, bluetooth headset a coat and over $1,200 in cash willingly.

He claims he was owed over $27,000 from the alleged victim’s company and took the items as a down payment.

Mr. Nativo was arrested and charged with fist degree burglary and was released on $1,000 dollars in bail.

He claims there was yelling and arguing but he never pulled a gun and claims to have a witness that the items were exchanged willingly.

NBC New York